Pick-Up Lines that just ain't working
Man: I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make you think of sex.
Woman: Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?"
Woman: "Chloroform"
Man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "Life's too short to dance with ugly guys."
*************************************
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
*************************************
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, he is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
******************************************
A DOG NAMED "SEX"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".
He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "You don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny --I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "That's no big deal any more."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night, Sex ran off again, I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are yu doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up this Friday.
*******************************************
Lady with a Million
A little ol' lady, carrying a bag full of money, walked into a bank and demanded to speak with the president of the bank. The teller, in shock, immediately called for the president.
As he approached the little ol' lady, looking at her bag full of dollars, led her to his office. He then proceeded to ask where she had gotten all this cash.
" I make bets" she replied. Confused by her answer, he asked her to explain.
She then, again said " I make bets and win"!
What type of bets could you possibly make to win so much money? I don't believe you can win that much just by betting. Prove it!
"Well,alright" she said, I'll bet you $5,000 dollars that by 10 am tomorrow morning, your 'balls' will be square".
He became totally confused and stated that he couldn't make a bet like that because it was not possible and he didn't want to hurt her.
But again, she offered the bet and then stated that if he was so sure of himself then just bet it! So, he did.
Later that night he went home, stripped and began to examine himself. He thought, "That poor woman, but hey she wanted to bet!"
At 10 am the next morning she entered his office. But there was a man with her. The president asked who he was and she said it was her lawyer to witness the bet.
She then asked the president to drop his drawers. He did. She looked at his balls and then asked if she could hold them. He shrugged his shoulder, but then said "Hey, go ahead it's your loss".
Just then he noticed that the lawyer was banging his head on the wall.
When the president asked why, the woman replied, " Yesterday I bet him $10,000 dollars that by 10 am today, I would have the president of the bank's balls in my hands.
***********************************
"A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not necessary during CPR and it's better to skip right to chest compression.
However, the study says that you're still required to snuggle for a half hour afterwards."
******************************************