NOT JUST FOR HOUSEWORK ANY MORE!!
A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straight forward. One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched itself on"and sucked him in.
A 65 year-old signal man bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened.
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Did you hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.
The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."
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LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals... to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm..."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands..
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back seat
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A women was jumping on the bed and squealing loud enough to wake her husband in his lounge chair he came in the bedroom and said what is wrong with you..
"Oh Honey "she said "I just got back form the doctor and he said i have breasts of a 18 yr old girl"
yeah well what did he say about your 41 yr old ass?
" Well we never talked about you , Honey"
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THIS IS LONG BUT EXTREMELY FUNNY!
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book, "I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies"
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Gross!" they shrieked."Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. "Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."
We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth, "my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something,
Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results."
Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it" "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,"
I told him. The vet took Ernie back tothe examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Smith, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."
"What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Smith."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..." "Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded. Tears were now running down herface. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..."she gasped."
That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.
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A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her.She took one look and said, "Big deal. That's just like my husband's penis."
"You mean he's got one that long?" asked the surprised mortician."No," she replied. "That dead."
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Friendship......
When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.
When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend.
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