An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.
"The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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A moron takes his dog for a walk. After a whilehe gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so, the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem, officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen, fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed."
"Oh, go right ahead officer. I've always wanted a police dog."
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Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last timeI was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
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Subject: Sex Therapy
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."
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Q.Do you know why God created man?
A. Because She knew her vibrator wouldn't take out the garbage.
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Things not to say during sex; (from the "Sensitive" Man.)
* I have a confession...
* I hope you're as good-looking when I'm sober!
* I need another beer for this...
* I think you have it on backwards
* I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
* I want a baby!*
* I'm only doing this for a raise.
* Is it over?
* It's nice being in bed with a partner I don't have to inflate.
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