Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison......'
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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"
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A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."
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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face."
The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
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NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does however realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
OLD: No Fucking way!
NEW: I'm not certain that's feasible.
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.
NEW: Really?
OLD: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
NEW: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Ask me if I give a fuck.
NEW: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: What the fuck?
NEW: Interesting behavior.
OLD: Fuck it; it won't work.
NEW: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
NEW: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do about that?
NEW: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.
NEW: Are you sure it's a problem?
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.
NEW: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: Eat shit.
NEW: You don't say.
OLD: Eat shit and die.
NEW: Excuse me?
OLD: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
NEW: Excuse me, sir? (pronounced cur)
OLD: What the fuck do they want from life?
NEW: They weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass.
NEW: So you'd like my help with it?
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
NEW: I'm overloaded at the moment.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.
NEW: I don't think you understand.
OLD: This job sucks.
NEW: I love a challenge.
OLD: Who the hell died and made you the boss?
NEW: You want me to take care of this?
OLD: Blow me.
NEW: I see.
OLD: Blow yourself.
NEW: Do you see?
OLD: Another fucking meeting.
NEW: Yes, we should discuss this.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.
NEW: I don't think it will be a problem.
OLD: Fuck you.
NEW: How nice. How very, very nice!
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
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