"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
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Heavenly Father up above
Bless this guy I truely love
Bless his hair that sometimes curls
Keep him away from other girls
Bless his hands that sometimes roam
let them roam on me alone
Bless his legs that run so fast
Bless his little sexy ass
Bless the places where we laid
Bless the gap which he has made
Bless the places where we fucked
Bless my breast on which he sucked
Bless the places that were dark
Bless my neck on which he marked
Bless the thickness of his sperm
Protect it from numeral germs
Bless his body I love to quench
Bless his tongue I love to french
Bless my voice for when I squeal
Bless his penis I love to feel
Bless his ass I love to squeeze
Bless his balls I love to please
And if he reads this prayer of mine
I hope it blows his fucking mind
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The Relationship with your Significant Other Is Over When ...
She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.
The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
She starts every sentence with the words ..."To whom it may concern."
Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.
Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
She insists on packing your parachute on your first jump out of an airplane.
She urges you to go hunting with a group of her PMS ing friends.
People are referring to her as the "widow."
You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
She is 6 months pregnant and you haven't slept with her in a year.
She redecorates the house using your life insurance policy as collateral on the loan.
Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Al's Place."
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A Hobo was cruising along in a brand new Cadillac convertible. His friends stopped him and asked how in the world had got hold of such a good car.
He explained "I was sitting on the curb minding my own business, when a beautiful girl pulls up in this car that you see and asks, "Want a ride?' So I got in. We rode far out into the country, and she stopped the car.
We both got out. "Kiss me' she said. So I kissed her. Then she disrobed, and stood there in all her feminine beauty, dressed only in her panties.
Holding her arms out towards me she said, 'You can have anything I've got'
Well I could see that her panties would never fit me and so I took the car"
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After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.
Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride."Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained."
This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.
As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
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It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
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