Why it's good to be a woman
* Buying underwear size small is pride, not shame
* When you go out of the pool you dont have to worry about certain organs
* Size does not matter
* You are blessed with the ability to be vindictive and cruel and you are not ashamed to admit it
* Ticket from policeman is an option
* You are not afraid of gay's. They are your best friends
*You can achieve anything, just with sex
* You can stop sex in the middle of the act. No groin's pain
* No-one will tell you "do not worry, it happens to everyone sometimes
* You have 4-5 days a months when you're aloud to scream and be nasty
* You are not limited to the colors you were born with
* You are not limited to the height you were born with - high heels is an option
* Your weekly mood does not depend on weekend's football game
* You don't sound like a crow on 13
* You don't have morning's ritual with a ruler on 16
* Your hand writing does not look like Egyptian wall's reconstruction
* You don't have the un-controllable impulse of saying: "brother" in the end of each sentence
* You will always know that you are the biological mother of your child
* You think with one organ
* You think !!!
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Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.
Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?
Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"
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Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes! After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today."
Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom."
When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?"
"I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game.I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss."
"What about your pants?"
"I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."
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A woman went to a doctor claiming she had three vaginas!! The doctor examined her and sure enough, she DID have three vaginas. He`d never seen such a thing in all his years of medical practice.
He told her "I`ll stitch up two of them, but leave the middle one alone."
"Will that make me normal again?" she asked.
"Of course." he said, "This way, you won`t be screwed left, right and centre!"
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Questions about Motherhood.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors,nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc
.Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
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Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"
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