This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me! My penis is turning orange!"
The doctor sats, "Well, what do you do for a living?" The man replies,
"I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
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THINGS A MAN WOULD NEVER SAY
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer...give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again!
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits
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Pillow Talk
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, yes that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
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