"JOKES PAGE # 10"
Morris, the old professor visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life."Well..." the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Morris, and at your age too," the doctor said."I hope you at least took some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
**********************************************
A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15."The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
******************************************
Quote of the day : "You know your getting old when it takes you all night to do something that you use to do all night."
****************************************
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
***************************************
Here's a guide to breaking the code of Women are from Venus, Men are Mars WOMEN'S ENGLISH
"Yes" = No"
No" = Yes"
Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry.
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so ... manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game onTV.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home!
****************************************
The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."
To the redhead, he asked the same question. She replied, "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."
When he approached the brunette, he asked the same question and she said: "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"
****************************************
